Fricking laser beams....
Jul. 25th, 2007 09:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reprobaytI cannot believe I have never told this story on LJ before…so for posterity, sharing and embarrassment I post it tonight in honor of one who is going down this road in the morning.
I know that some have heard the story of my experience in my youth when it was decided (with no small prodding from ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
felishathekitty) that my fertile days were over. So with….hat in hand, I went to a specialist to get things….um…taken care of.
The hilarity started that morning. I had to shave. I mean…Shave. I had never had the urge or the vanity to shave my nether regions – wasn’t the fashion statement I was looking for. But we do what we must, so I jumped in the shower with my wife’s electric razor and did my best to clear the area without causing pain and making a vasectomy unnecessary. I must admit I did nick myself a couple of times and the tears should have been a hint of things to come.
So after making sure that my ‘area’ looked like I was still in grade school, I head for the doctor’s office. Strangely enough, there was no one in the waiting room and the doctor saw me right away. (I can only guess that with his line of work, this is not the place men want to dawdle)
We open the door to the in-patient surgery area – the doc asks me to disrobe from the waist down, put on this paper kilt and climb into the stirrups.
Yes. Stirrups. *pauses while women giggle, high-five, smirk and woot about how it’s about time* Done now?
So I climb in and wait. Soon the doc and his female assistant come in with lasers and masks and vials and a BIG ASS NEEDLE! Now I knew he was going to have to numb the area – I guess I tried to keep this part out of my brain. So he says “Let’s begin”, grabs my balls and pricks me. (Make your own joke here.)
I know this is going to surprise people, but it HURT. I tried to be all manly and such, but I made what can best be described as a whimpering noise. At this point, the doctor has the nerve (almost said balls) to ask, “Did that hurt?”
I think calling the look I gave him withering would be like calling the ocean wet. I said in as calm a tone as I could muster “You just put a large needle in the most sensitive area of my body and you’re going to ask me ‘Did That Hurt’?!?!” Doc pauses and says “That was a stupid question, wasn’t it?” – I think I just nodded my head.
So in time, the deadening agent does its trick and that area becomes null and void. Soon the doc begins his work with knife and forceps and barbed wire, mercifully out of my sight. I sit there, looking up at the ceiling, counting the tiles and waiting for this fun to be over. *Ladies, stop with the snickering – I have empathy with you, OK?*
So we reach a point where the doc has to make things permanent with the laser. This is when he utters a sentence I will never forget:
“Mr. Roberts, you’re about to see smoke coming from your scrotum.”
I started laughing my ass off…which prompted the strangest looks from everyone in the room. To explain, I told the doc “You know there are certain sets of words you are willing to bet you will never hear in your lifetime. ‘you’re about to see smoke coming from your scrotum’ was on my top 5.” The doc looks at me, thinks about it, and says “Good point.” and gets back to work.
Pretty soon, it’s all over but the shouting. The doc leaves me to slowly get dressed, and then comes back with my prescription of Demerol/Darvacet/Crack/whatever. He then says “The numbing will begin to wear off in one hour. You have 45 minutes to get to the pharmacy and get your meds. Take a pill at the pharmacy. Overlap these for the next 48 hours. You DO NOT want things to wear off.” Of course, being the man that I am – I only did this for 24 hours. My mistake….but that’s another painful story.
I think every man should (when the time is right) have a vasectomy. It’s a freeing sensation – plus since in order to make sure all the swimmers are gone from the pool, you will need to ejaculate often for the next month.
When else can you go to your lady and say “But honey, its Doctor’s orders…come help.”
And if you’re brave, you can say “I did it for you….” ;)
felishathekitty) that my fertile days were over. So with….hat in hand, I went to a specialist to get things….um…taken care of. The hilarity started that morning. I had to shave. I mean…Shave. I had never had the urge or the vanity to shave my nether regions – wasn’t the fashion statement I was looking for. But we do what we must, so I jumped in the shower with my wife’s electric razor and did my best to clear the area without causing pain and making a vasectomy unnecessary. I must admit I did nick myself a couple of times and the tears should have been a hint of things to come.
So after making sure that my ‘area’ looked like I was still in grade school, I head for the doctor’s office. Strangely enough, there was no one in the waiting room and the doctor saw me right away. (I can only guess that with his line of work, this is not the place men want to dawdle)
We open the door to the in-patient surgery area – the doc asks me to disrobe from the waist down, put on this paper kilt and climb into the stirrups.
Yes. Stirrups. *pauses while women giggle, high-five, smirk and woot about how it’s about time* Done now?
So I climb in and wait. Soon the doc and his female assistant come in with lasers and masks and vials and a BIG ASS NEEDLE! Now I knew he was going to have to numb the area – I guess I tried to keep this part out of my brain. So he says “Let’s begin”, grabs my balls and pricks me. (Make your own joke here.)
I know this is going to surprise people, but it HURT. I tried to be all manly and such, but I made what can best be described as a whimpering noise. At this point, the doctor has the nerve (almost said balls) to ask, “Did that hurt?”
I think calling the look I gave him withering would be like calling the ocean wet. I said in as calm a tone as I could muster “You just put a large needle in the most sensitive area of my body and you’re going to ask me ‘Did That Hurt’?!?!” Doc pauses and says “That was a stupid question, wasn’t it?” – I think I just nodded my head.
So in time, the deadening agent does its trick and that area becomes null and void. Soon the doc begins his work with knife and forceps and barbed wire, mercifully out of my sight. I sit there, looking up at the ceiling, counting the tiles and waiting for this fun to be over. *Ladies, stop with the snickering – I have empathy with you, OK?*
So we reach a point where the doc has to make things permanent with the laser. This is when he utters a sentence I will never forget:
“Mr. Roberts, you’re about to see smoke coming from your scrotum.”
I started laughing my ass off…which prompted the strangest looks from everyone in the room. To explain, I told the doc “You know there are certain sets of words you are willing to bet you will never hear in your lifetime. ‘you’re about to see smoke coming from your scrotum’ was on my top 5.” The doc looks at me, thinks about it, and says “Good point.” and gets back to work.
Pretty soon, it’s all over but the shouting. The doc leaves me to slowly get dressed, and then comes back with my prescription of Demerol/Darvacet/Crack/whatever. He then says “The numbing will begin to wear off in one hour. You have 45 minutes to get to the pharmacy and get your meds. Take a pill at the pharmacy. Overlap these for the next 48 hours. You DO NOT want things to wear off.” Of course, being the man that I am – I only did this for 24 hours. My mistake….but that’s another painful story.
I think every man should (when the time is right) have a vasectomy. It’s a freeing sensation – plus since in order to make sure all the swimmers are gone from the pool, you will need to ejaculate often for the next month.
When else can you go to your lady and say “But honey, its Doctor’s orders…come help.”
And if you’re brave, you can say “I did it for you….” ;)
